Relationships as Growth….
Is has been said that relationships our are biggest teachers and this week post rebirth I sat in reflection on my various relationships over the last few years.
To date my biggest relationship teacher has been my first marriage and subsequent breakdown followed by divorce.
I learnt a great deal about relationships, communication and myself during that period of time. While the demise of that marriage taught me a lot about healing, refocusing and moving forward.
This week I sat more in reflection on my relationships, meetings, encounters, etc from 2016 to now… post divorce life.
Taking myself back to 2016 when I first returned home from India and moved to the coast, Energy Temple was already formed but it was frightening the hell out of me. I was stuck with where to go next and feeling slightly lost yet inspired by my new home base.
In the last few months of 2016 I met a man who appeared to tick all my “boxes” apparently.
Ambitious, Travelled and still Travelling, Adventurous, Growth Focused.
2016 me was filled with hope and our ease of connection and flow only enabled my interest to grow, causing me to jump into our growing relations.
In the process abandoning myself any business, life I was creating for me.
Upon reflection I can see this encounter proved to be valuable to me and my future growth in so many ways.
While I eagerly abandoned myself for a new relationship, I inturn also removed everything that this man found interesting and intriguing about me.
Post relating I vowed never to let go of myself, my passions or my goals for a relationship again.
Yet 3 years later I can finally see the real gold in this lesson of failed love.
At that moment in time I was feeling unsure, stuck and overwhelmed with how to actually go after my dreams that abandoning them for a relationship seemed like a very socially acceptable out.
Right now I’m beyond thrilled at that failed attempt at finding love, as it gave me my drive and determination back.
Since then I’ve had numerous interactions with various people all sharing different aspects of life, themselves and me in the process.
Some memorable some not as much but all teaching me something.
This last month I received another big lesson on boundaries, relationships and manipulation. This was a meeting with someone I spent more time trying to end things with then actually being with.
In my years of dating I hadn’t encountered a situation like this. I was left in complete shock as my boundaries were overlooked time and time again.
Previously I had been focused on boundaries within intimate situations but in this case it was my boundaries in general.
I would state a firm NO around times and meetings etc only to have them completely ignored under the gise of support, helping, care.
This was completely new territory for me, never had my words been dismissed without care with their needs over shadowing mine. When I expressed concern or unease it was turned around as care, support and being there for me.
This whole situation left me with anger, resentment and questioning myself.
I questioned if I was being too picky or if I had actually closed myself off to receiving support, care or even love.
Thank goodness for my support network, mentors and leaders I surround myself with, that let me see the real situation playing out here.
A good friend who specialises in boundaries and consent gave me invaluable insight into my feelings and why they had arose.
Keri Krieger’s Boundaried course and own story gave me tools to call in self care and allowed me to feel less angry at myself for not recognising what was going on soon.
In reality the situation was that someone felt their needs to force a relationship and connection were more important than anything I expressed or wanted.
The use of spiritual jargon let them feel better about the situation, stating that I was simply scared of our connection and that I was pushing them away out of fear, or my absolute favourite that I was letting my head get in the way of my heart.
The roundabout I went on to end things with someone that I never started with amazed me yet taught me the most valuable lesson of all.
Over stepping boundaries under the disguise of support, care or love.
Is none of those things…. it is manipulation.
When your boundaries are disregarded or dismissed call it early and call it often.
In hindsight this happened on our first night out and had I taken action then none of the following annoyances would have occurred.
Forever learning and growing.
PS. not looking for coaching or comment on this, sharing to be seen in my process.
Thank you for respecting my request.
Originally published 17 November 2019