Death and Rebirth
One night in November I died a death of my own choosing.
What I thought of originally as an experience quickly began to feel like a rite of passage with an initiation into a whole new world and level of being.
My intention for undergoing the burial was to release the old outdated self, the stories of who I was, who I was meant to be and everything that was no longer needed up to this point. From the moment I said yes to my funeral I started to gain a deeper sense of surrender to the experience and the rite of passage I was about to move in to. In reality I had no idea what was about to happen or how I was about to respond.
The week leading up to it I was nervous and anxious not for the release but for the unknown elements of the burial itself. I was ready for the release and had been journeying the death of the self for almost a year and this was the final initiation for me and a symbol of the new life I was moving into.
I was so ready on every level of be being to be buried underground. I was ready to shred the old in every aspect. To kill off everything that no longer served who I was and who I was becoming.
The day of my burial I gave myself time and space to just be and allow the magnitude of what I was about to undergo sink in and become a part of me. By the time I arrived at the burial site I was ready and had compete trust in myself and the Funeral Host and Sharman Paisley Heart.
I was greeted with a smile and warm embrace of a familiar face and one of the funeral supports, told to relax my shoulders and from that moment onwards I dropped out of my head and into my body.
Next we followed the beating drum to the burial site where our graves waited for us. I selected my grave, sat in it and allowed myself to soften into the space feeling completely safe, held and supported.
Paisley’s guiding words at the start really gave me permission to choose my own funeral experience, highlighting that by even being here we had achieved everything we needed to. These words allowed me to surrender even more into the grave, the ritual and my intentions.
With this complete surrender and trust I rested back into my grave and embraced the burial.
I allowed myself to be received by the earth in every aspect, from underneath and above letting it comfort me, hold me and cleanse me. The earth weighted heavy on my chest and my throat and my body, energy and soul accepted this as the sign to surrender even more and go with the process. My snorkel was fitted and my head, face and whole physical being buried.
Buried alive under the red full moon with Paisley weaving his ritual magic.
What happened underground is for me to keep sacred.
That night a large piece of me was buried and released from by being.
What was rebirthed was the real expression of my true self and the living embodiment of my values.
Immediately following my rebirth I was uncertain, disorientated and feeling empty, yet completely at peace. It was a true feeling of being reborn but as the self I am now as my true self.
My senses were heightened and the smell of the air crisp, clean and new. Plus the feast prepared tasted like energy directly from nature and the hummus being a wonderful surprise and danced in my mouth.
The weeks following my burial were slightly strange as all of my old reactions, fall backs and even ways of operating no longer fitted the reborn me. Outside I appeared the same, on the inside I was empty, raw and stripped back. This was a whole new level of release for me that I had never experienced before and navigating this empty shell felt exciting, freeing and slightly unknown.
After sitting in this space, embracing the nothingness and finding comfort in the unknown, I now realise that I am in the most powerful position of my life.
I now have the unique opportunity to fill my being back up with the things that I want.
I have complete choice over what I allow in my body, my energy, my soul and I am taking my time.
My true self has been born without attachment to the past and the future is clear, free and fun.
I do know that I am adding in more ritual and more play in whatever way that looks like.
My name will change soon as well, a new name hasn’t yet appeared but the old no longer fits. There is no rush and the new name will come when the time is right.
Maybe an intention for my next burial experience, this definitely was not my last funeral before my actual physical death.
For now I am enjoying this space and the peace that has come with it.
Originally published 16 December 2019